Eight Keys for Good Conversation

The art of conversation is a crucial skill to help combat loneliness and division in our relationships and society.

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I am sure you have met the person who talks at you rather than with you. Or maybe they constantly one-up you, that when you share something, they have to share something more interesting that happened to them. Lousy conversation is an emotional drain, and I appreciate how David Brooks writes about how to avoid missing one another by pursuing mutual, two-way exchanges.

As a long-time journalist and op-ed writer for the New York Times, he has learned the skill of talking to anyone about anything. However, it did not come naturally to him, so he explains how he has learned it over the years and had to work at it.

I also benefited from being the daughter of a journalist who had to learn the skill of talking to anyone. I remember one time when we were at a pool on vacation, another dad came in with his family, and my sister said, “Guess how many minutes it’ll take for Dad to find out where he is from.” And of course, it was right away within three questions. While naturally an introvert, he had to force himself to interview people constantly, which taught me that talking to people is a skill to learn. Some people are entertaining and naturally gregarious, but having a conversation where you know and understand another person takes conscious effort.

Learning how to have a conversation with someone is also a lost skill, not just because of iPhones and social media but also because we don’t teach etiquette or the art of conversation. Imagine how helpful it would be to have a class on effective communication in personal relationships when you’re 13. Friendships, marriage, and basic happiness depend on this skill, and everyone practices conversation, whereas most people will never do public speaking. (And yet I’ve taken three public speaking classes?!)

Brooks spends much of the book on how to practice conversation. This is different than being a storyteller, entertainer, or lecturer on various topics. With conversation, there needs to be a two-way exchange. “A good conversationalist is capable of leading people on a mutual expedition toward understanding.” A more apt subtitle of his book he says could have been “the art of hearing others deeply and being deeply heard.”

Eight Keys for Good Conversation

Here are eight keys to good conversation from David Brooks writing:

1. Treat attention as an on/off switch, not a dimmer

Have you ever been at a party where your conversation circle is very hard to pay attention to, but the next conversation over is super interesting? You can’t dim your attention or separate what you’re listening to. We might think we can scroll our phones or watch the game while we listen to someone, but we can’t. Giving someone your undivided attention is the necessary basis of a good conversation.

2. Be a loud listener

It is so encouraging to talk to an active listener to know they are listening. Think of how Oprah listens to people. She is cheering, mmhmm-ing, and giving verbal affirmations of what she is hearing. It also helps you not be the person at the party whose ears start drifting off to another conversation.

3. Start with the familiar to make a person feel comfortable

People like talking about what they have watched or experienced, and you don’t want to belittle someone by talking about the unfamiliar. You don’t want to wax eloquently about 18th-century history or current movies to someone unfamiliar with and uninterested in these topics. Try to find common interests at the beginning.

4. Don’t fear the pause

I have especially been thinking about the pacing of conversations and how some peoples’ brains process things faster or slower, and it’s good to match their pace. This is especially true for children!

Brooks brings up a study that shows that Japanese businesspeople are comfortable with eight-second pauses between comments, twice as long as Americans! We have especially become uncomfortable with pauses in American culture.

5. Repeat Back What You Heard

Stereotypically, this is where the therapist or journalist says, “So what you’re saying is…” but you can do it less formulaically. I’ve found this especially important with children where they might say, “I don’t want to go to school!” And you say back, “Aw, it sounds like you’re having a hard time and don’t want to go to school.” It’s powerful for them to hear that. You might be surprised how wonderful it is to feel heard.

6. Practice being a “midwife”

I love this image of conversations, where you take the position of a midwife and assist someone in their “labor” of understanding and processing something. Think of the people who have really helped you sort out a messy situation or untangle an intellectual question. “The midwife is there not to lead with insights but to receive and build on the insights the other person is developing.”

7. Find the disagreement under the disagreement

Brooks has a lot to say about conflict and disagreement in this book which is excellent. As a conservative at the New York Times, he’s got some experience there! The main idea is to figure out what is at the heart of a disagreement and how to understand each other’s deeper desires and values in a surface-level disagreement.

8. Don’t be a “topper”

This is when you say, “Oh yeah, I know exactly what you meant, I had that same experience.” I think this is why people are turning to counseling so much because counselors are trained to not share their experiences or counsel from their experiences. It’s not that you can’t share that you also had a miscarriage or lost your father, but you need to be very careful when and how you share. Brooks says if you are a topper, you are saying, “Your problems aren’t that interesting to me; let me tell you about my own, much more fascinating ones.”

Solving Loneliness and Divison

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In teaching us about conversation, Brooks is especially concerned about how divided we are as a society but also lonely. Conversation is one of the main sources of joy and happiness in this life, and yet we have devalued it, and we experience it so infrequently. The art of conversation and understanding one another is a crucial skill to help combat loneliness and division and helpfully spells out how he has learned this.

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If you are interested in learning more or signing up for counseling online, schedule with me or one of the other wonderful counselors at Anchored Hope Biblical Counseling here.